Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!