@kumailn: "Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops." - Game of Thrones
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@briangaar: Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought "damn magic is dope as hell." #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
@paperphotoyo: My neighbor can't understand why he just found human shit on his front porch. I can't understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.
@truegritrumble: ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back. THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
@ShittyComedian: The joke's on you officer. That breathalyzer won't tell you how much cocaine I've snorted tonight.