*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
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Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
what it’s like dating me:
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.