As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
When I pack too much for a short trip.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
My god she’s good.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.