Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff