Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social