Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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*3.5 thank you very much.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”