Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
He-man has a Masters degree
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag