olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Otters see a butterfly.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
All generalizations are stupid.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.