When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Me too door. Me too.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.