Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.