What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You Might Also Like
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.