At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…