Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
You Might Also Like
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*