Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
new record!
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Investing in beetcoin
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*