One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
I have many caverns
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost