SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Whisper out to librarians!
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.