[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
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Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Doctors texting each other.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”