When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway