I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.