Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
You Might Also Like
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.