Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
You Might Also Like
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.