@sweetmissashley: Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I'd be obsessed with you too.
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@longwall26: It's not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
@internetluke: [talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] "No" What? "You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch" *places $50 back in my pocket*
@simoncholland: Listen, if you are going to someone's house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
@JennyPentland: "Mommy, I don't wanna grow up and die!" "Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really."