Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
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Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
This kinda thing happens to me often
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah