This made me smile…
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Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Oh my God.
For the orator and chef in all of us
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care