Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”