Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
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Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Beware…..
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
This is Sparta
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol