I can’t stop watching this.
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Respect
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.