Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Mornin
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.