NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
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Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
🚲+physics = winner
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.