Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN