Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely