Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Planet of the Apps.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
sigh
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.