Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
You Might Also Like
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Watermelon Boss!
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?