Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Feels
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*