Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Rooting for the overdog
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!