3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Why soy sad?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“no gods no masters” = leo
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”