Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.