Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Holy moly
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.