Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
i’m still crying at this
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie