[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My neck, my back, my…
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”