I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting