Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.