“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Leaving the Barbers like
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Perfect
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*