“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
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85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me irl
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
emergency phone
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.