it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
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My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.