Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Bread puns are on the rise!
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Every time my phone rings
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.