There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*