Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
The government even made aliens boring
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
me linking you to my twitter
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.