Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Before & after 😅
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me