Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
so i’m at the stock market right
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Oh hi lol
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.