@truegritrumble: My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@Naked_Wombat: 9: You like Twitter Dad? Me: Yep 9: I'll join and be your friend. M: Cool, extra math is great! 9: It's a math thing? M: yep 9: nevermind

@tamberinetango: Chances of my kid no longer liking their 'favourite' snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

@ch000ch: *watching a cop walk past during drug deal* ok relax, just be cool.. "bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy"

@aaronnemo: Me: You're the only one who truly gets me. Chipotle guy: What? Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.