Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
You Might Also Like
U talkin 2 me?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.